This post is a bit out of order from the last one, as it occurred a year earlier.
When I was 12 years old, after we finished school for the year, Gran came to us one morning with shining eyes and a big smile on her face. We were mystified as to what could possibly have put her in such a good mood, and I decided that she must have become a grandmother again. I wondered which one of her kids had given birth to a baby. She never ever told us when they were expecting a baby, never wanting to explain that particular process. So, up until I was about 12 or so, I always thought that babies just appeared magically to happy parents.
Gran looked at us all and said, "Guess what?" I spoke up first, "Did Geraldine have a baby???" I was so excited at the thought of this, as they had three boys and I knew that Geraldine always wanted a girl. "NO!!" Gran said, and shot me a dirty look. I sat back and just waited. Gran had a habit of trying to make something really really bad into something "exciting" like a trip to the doctor's office or some boring holy day at church.
"We have been given permission to adopt all of you. You are going to be adopted today!" We all stood up and yelled "YAY!!!!!" at the top of our lungs. We were not sure what it meant other than the fact that Gran and Gramps would be our legal parents, and in my mind that meant she could never tell us how horrible and worthless we were, ever again. It truly was the most exciting thing that had ever happened to the five little kids named Larrow. We danced and celebrated, and then Gran did something she NEVER did unless one of us was to make thier first holy communion. She told Maureen and I to go take a bath, and she had the boys take a bath in the downstairs bathroom. When she did that, we knew it was important. She never let us bathe more than once a week. It was June, and hot outside, and we always asked to take a bath as we got quite sweaty and dirty from all the running around we always did in the back yard. She always said no.
Maureen and I told her that we'd wash each other's hair, so we could get done more quickly. She agreed and told us that there were new dresses laid out for us on our beds. New DRESSES!!! We didn't even get new dresses for our birthdays! This was indeed a special occasion! Not only did we have new dresses, but also new underwear and new tights. I was so excited I could scarcely contain myself.
We got ready and I put my hair back into barrettes when it was dry. I was growing it out long, and wanted to look nice for the judge. Gran told us there would be a judge. We asked if Uncle John would be our judge and she said no, that he could only be a judge in New Jersey. Uncle John was Gran's brother, and he lived in Bayonne, NJ with his wife, Maeve. I liked them a lot (they always had fresh pastries from the local bakery), but disliked going to Bayonne, because it smelled horrible there. We always yelled "PEEWWWWW!" as we went over the bridge and asked Gran every single time why it smelled so badly in Bayonne. She never explained it, and just told us all to be quiet and behave, or else. It never escaped my notice how much nicer Gran was to us when she was around other people.
When we were all ready, we gathered around in the dining room, and Gran explained to us that we must be on our best behavior, as this was a JUDGE we'd be visiting today. "If you misbehave, it will reflect very badly on Grandpa and I, so no fooling around, no misbehaving." She said that they'd probably ask a few questions, and just answer them. I started to worry about what they'd ask. Maybe they wanted to see if we were deserving of such an honor. I worried all the way to the courthouse, and when we went inside, my legs were shaking so much that I wasn't sure if I'd be able to answer any questions. I was so nervous.
We sat in the waiting area in some very uncomfortable plastic chairs, and the policeman came out and told us to all go into the judges chambers. There sat Judge De Paulo, in his large leather throne like chair. He was bald. He didn't look mean. He looked nice, like any other person, but in black robes.
There was a woman there as well, Gran said she was a social worker. She sat with us as Gran and Gramps talked with the judge. She asked us if we knew what being adopted meant. Everyone was shy and tongue tied, but I finally spoke up and said that I thought it was like when you ADAPT to something enough, they let you become adopted. She looked confused and I tried to explain it more, although I really was becoming hopelessly confused and realized I didn't know at all what being adopted meant. I just thought it meant we would finally belong. I didn't know there would be a test. I should have looked it up in the dictionary. I was horribly embarrassed that I didn't know what it really meant. She explained it in a way that made absolutely no sense to me, as it was way over my head, the legalities of it, anyway. Finally Judge De Paulo called us over and performed the adoption. He then told us all that our middle names would be removed from our birth certificates, and Maureen and I would legally bear our confirmation names as our middle names. I was shocked. Why don't we have middle names anymore? My entire life I was known as Karen Ann Larrow. I realized my last name would change to Gallagher, but why did I have to give up my middle name? I liked my middle name.
Maureen was all too happy to give up her middle name, as she said she'd always hated it. William didn't seem to mind, although he had a quite nice middle name; Edward. My youngest brothers didn't see it as a big deal, as Gran never ever revealed to us what their names might be. Maureen and I thought it over and decided that their names must be strange ones, like perhaps Herman. We were convinced that maybe Harlan's name was Amos, like our paternal grandfather, and Darek's middle name was Herman. We used to tease him mercilessly about it. He'd get so upset that he'd go into a rage. Gran would then tell him he looked like an enraged bull. Naturally that would upset him more, and we'd stick our tongues out at him behind Gran's back.
On the way home, we asked Gran why the judge took away our middle names. "Because I requested it" she said. "Why??" we asked. She said she wanted to start over with a clean slate, and there was no reason to discuss it further. I couldn't believe it. Gran took our middle names away without even asking. Even as young and naive as I was, it just didn't feel right for her to have done that. It wasn't fair. I started to say something else, and Gran, barely containing her anger, said, "Karen, come on. don't be such an ungrateful little girl". I realized I was ruining everyone's day, so I stopped. I resolved to enjoy the day, as Gran was making something special for supper.
We got home, and Sean was there. He looked at all of us, and Gran told him, "the kids were adopted today". Sean looked shocked for a moment, and looked at us. He asked her when did this happen? Gran said just this morning; we just got back from the courthouse. Sean looked greatly disturbed at this news. Gran told us to go upstairs and change out of our new clothes and to put our regular clothes on. I didn't want to. I liked my new dress and wanted to wear it all day. But Maureen and I went reluctantly upstairs, disturbed at Sean's reaction. Sean was only 21 then. A grown up. Maybe he didn't want to be our brother. We got changed and sat on the beds to talk about it. There was a knock on the door and Sean asked if he could come in. We let him in, and he said, "Well, girls... I guess I have two new sisters and three new brothers!" He looked happy! He held his arms out and we ran over and hugged him. We loved Sean so much. We were glad that he wasn't upset about our adoption. Later on, we heard Gran laughingly say, "Sean thought the kids were adopted to a new family! He was so upset!" No wonder he was so shocked! It was then that we realized that Gran kept her own kids in the dark about things too. It wasn't just us. How could she not tell her own kids about us being adopted??
We celebrated our adoption, and had a nice day. Sean stayed for a long time; the longest he ever stayed. Then he went home, but before he did, he said he'd like to take us all to the movies some day soon before we left for upstate for the summer! We were so excited! Gran said maybe, and he went home, still looking a little dazed.
We went to bed, and the next day Gran said we'd be packing for upstate this week, and we'd better get busy. We always spent the entire summer upstate.
Then she delivered more news... Soon we'd be moving upstate for good. We wouldn't be living in Staten Island any more. I was sad, but excited at the same time. At least we had a whole year before we moved. I'd be in St. Margaret Mary's school under a new name from now on. My new last name. Gallagher. I wondered how we'd explain it to our friends. I didn't care. I was so happy we finally "belonged".
Five little kids named Larrow
Back left, Maureen-13, Back right, Karen-12. Left bottom, William-11, Middle, Harlan-8, Bottom right, Darek-9.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
The convent
When my sister was 13, she decided she wanted to be a nun. This was after years and years of diligent brainwashing by Gran, that she had a vocation to do so. Many months of retreats and sleepovers at the local convent "The Daughters of St. Paul" convinced my sister that this was the correct path for her in life. I didn't understand it. Yes, it was nice going on retreats with her; it was quiet, peaceful, and the food was amazing. I loved all the food on offer at this particular convent. It was delicious.
I was growing tired, however, of all the endless prayers, rosaries and novenas they did. My eyes would glaze over with boredom, and I'd daydream the long hours away till it was over. I'd never in my life seen anyone pray so much, ever. I often wondered... If these nuns have so little to do with the outside world, what on earth did they have to pray so much about? And confession was just as earnestly practiced; but why? Didn't they realize that if you never went out, never had any opportunity to sin, that there'd be nothing to confess? They did paint a very alluring picture, though, and for two very young girls who had a horrible home life. It was all too easy to wish we were somewhere else, anywhere else.
I loved my sister so much; she was my rock, my hero, my savior. I couldn't even bear the thought that she'd go away forever and leave me at the mercy of Gran.
I couldn't imagine committing the rest of my life to being a nun... Never ever falling in love, getting married, having kids. It was just too foreign to me, and it seemed as though it would be an unjust God that would decide who served him and who didn't. I talked to Gran's daughter, Brigid about it. She was horrified at the thought of Maureen entering a convent at such a young age. I tried to defend her decision, and she turned and lashed out, "She didn't make the decision, MOM made it for her!!! She tried to get me to become a nun, too!" Later on, as Maureen and I were upstairs in our room, we heard Brigid yelling at Grandpa. We couldn't believe our ears. They were fighting! We crept to the banister of the stairs and listened to Bridget yell at Gramps. Telling him that they were brainwashing Maureen. Listening to Grandpa feebly try to convince her that Maureen did, in fact, have a calling. Brigid stormed out of the house, and I was very confused. Why didn't they think this was a good idea? Gran thought it was wonderful, so wonderful in fact, that I had decided that she loved Maureen best. I went downstairs and up to Grandpa and tried to give him a hug. He pushed me away, and told me we shouldn't have been listening in. I tried to tell him that we weren't, that we heard it by accident, but he told me to shut up, and I went outside with my barbie doll. Brigid was in the back yard, and I went up to talk to her. I told her that I'd been thinking about it, and I didn't ever want to be a nun. I wanted to marry Shawn Cassidy, my all time, all consuming crush, besides Joey in my class. She looked at me, and I expected her to sneer at me and make fun of me, but she smiled sadly at me and said that I had a much more realistic goal than Maureen did. She said that Maureen was much too young to make such a decision, and that she didn't think it was fair that Gran forced her into it. She said that Gran manipulated Maureen's desire to be accepted, and I had no idea what that meant, but I tried to defend Gran to her. She sighed, got up off the swing and said, "Karen, you are just too young to understand. Mom tried the same thing with me."
I was hurt by that, but muttered under my breath, "I still want to marry Shawn Cassidy... Either him or Joey. And I will." Brigid was the only one in the world besides Maureen that I told about Joey. He was in my class at school, and I'd liked him for two years, ever since the beginning of sixth grade. He never talked to me, and I heard him tell someone that he thought I was weird. But I loved him anyway, he was Italian, and really smart, and his birthday was in September. If I couldn't marry Shawn Cassidy, I surely wanted to marry Joey some day.
I started thinking about things a lot more. On our last retreat, the nuns said that becoming a nun was like marrying Jesus. Maureen would get to wear a white gown and a veil, just like a bride, after graduating from pre-postulancy to full fledged postulant. I found Gran and while looking at my Barbie's freshly braided hair, I asked her about it. "Gran, when Maureen becomes a nun, it will be like marrying Jesus, right?" She looked at me sharply and said, "Right." And I slowly twisted my Barbie dolls hair as I tried to say what had been bugging me for so long, and said, "Well, she will be 14 when she's allowed to join the Daughter's of St. Paul, right? So does that mean if she changed her mind and decided she wanted to marry just a regular boy, would you let her do it?"
Next thing I knew, I was on the floor, my face stinging from a slap. Gran stood over me and yelled at me at the top of her lungs, "HOW DARE YOU MAKE A MOCKERY OF MAUREEN'S VOCATION????? HOW DARE YOU BE SO DISRESPECTFUL??? YOU ARE A DIRTY MINDED LITTLE PIG!!!"
I started crying and she grabbed me by the arm and flung me in the direction of the stairs, telling me to go to my room and stay there to think about what I'd done. I couldn't think. I had no idea what I'd done, but I sure vowed never to speak of Maureen's vocation again. It seemed that Gran would never ever answer a question I had without getting murderously angry. Especially when it came to Maureen being a nun. I hated her, and I hated the Catholic church for taking my beloved sister away from me. Maureen was excited and happy to go. I saw this as a betrayal too. How could she want to be away from me?
That summer, we packed up everything we could, and moved to our little house in Lindley, New York. I would so miss my friends, and my heart broke over the thought that I'd never see Joey again. My seventh grade teacher had sat me next to him the last three months of school, and he really seemed to like me, at least he talked to me a lot. We'd tease each other, and giggle behind our books, and I thought that if I stayed in Staten Island, we'd surely get married some day. But now I'd live six hours away, in a tiny old house that smelled of mouse urine, and had ugly bathrooms. We'd be an hour away from school, and have to ride a bus. No more walking to school. No more friends. No more sister.
Later that summer, near the beginning of the new school year, Gran, Maureen and I took a trip to Boston, MA, to enroll Maureen in her new convent. Maureen was only 14 years old, and I was 13. I wanted to cry the entire time I was there, but didn't dare because I worried that Gran might slap me for it. Maureen was very nervous, but seemed happy about her decision. I promised to write to her every week and made her promise to write to me too.
On the way home, on the greyhound bus, I couldn't hold my sadness in any longer. I had a horrible, homesick feeling in my gut, and couldn't imagine what life would be like without my sister at home. I cried on the way home, for the entire six hours it took to get there. Gran left me alone, and I think she started to feel some sort of compassion for me, because when the bus stopped for one of it's breaks, she said, "Come on, Karen, lets find somewhere to eat!" I couldn't believe her tone. I looked miserably up at her, and she was actually smiling at me. I expected to get yelled at for crying so much. I wiped my face and followed her off the bus.
We went to a nearby diner, and she let me order whatever I wanted, and then said I could have soda! We chatted while we ate, and I thought, if she stays this nice, maybe it won't be so bad!
We finally made it home, and the boys were all jealous that I got to eat in a restaurant, and go with Gran to Boston. I stuck my tongue out at them, and told them that at least they got to stay up late with Gramps, and besides, that summer, they got to go to a Yankees game when I wanted to but couldn't. So we were even. Besides, they had no idea how horrible I was feeling, not having Maureen around anymore. They didn't even seem to care. They were just glad they'd get more attention for themselves, it seemed.
I went into Maureen's and my room, and looked around. This was just my room now. I'd have my own room for the first time in my life. It didn't make me happy, I would have given anything to have Maureen back there with me.
It seemed that Gran's goodwill stayed a bit longer... She started letting me stay up a little later, till 8:30. Sometimes she'd let me have tea with her and Grandpa. We started talking a bit more. She didn't seem so mean all the time. Her dream of having a daughter become a nun seemed to put her in a very good mood indeed. I started getting used to not having Maureen around to talk to, but started writing in my diary a lot more, and immersing myself in more and more books. The two boys that lived down the road from us would come over, and I spent the rest of my summer playing hard, climbing trees, swimming in the creek, exploring the property with Bobby and Scott, and just trying to forget how lonesome I felt without my sister. Anytime anyone would ask where she was, I'd tell them that she was in boarding school. Only my next door neighbor and best friend Jennifer knew where Maureen was, and judging by her reaction, I decided to just keep it to myself. No one could ever understand it. We were freaks. There was no use trying to hide it. Everyone knew it anyway, especially me.
The first day of school arrived, and for the first time in my life, I'd be riding a bus to school. I'd be going to Painted Post Middle School, for 8th grade. I was terrified, excited, and just wanted the first day over with. From taking classes all day in one room, to going to a school where I'd have to go to homeroom first, and switch out classes all day, this would be completely different from what I was used to. I was also secretly glad, now was my chance to make a good first impression and make some new friends. Gran laid out a dress for me to wear, said that a dress would be the appropriate first day attire. Having worn a catholic school uniform my entire life up till that point, I knew nothing of fashion whatsoever, always wearing what Gran gave me to wear.
We went down the long driveway to wait for the bus. It took forever to get there, and I worried that maybe we missed it. Finally a huge yellow bus came lumbering up the street and stopped in front of us. My brothers and I boarded the bus and the bus driver barked at us to take a seat. I looked around at all the unfamiliar and frankly, unfriendly faces and wondered if anyone would let me sit down. Lots of scowls led me to believe this would not be an easy task. I found an empty seat and sat down. Someone promptly popped trier head over and told me that the seat was saved for someone else. I scuttled out of the seat and into another empty one as the bus driver yelled at me to sit down. Someone else told me that the seat was saved, and lots of laughing ensued. I turned around and looked at the boy, and said, "my parents pay school taxes too, and I guess I'll sit wherever I please!"
From that moment on, I was known as "taxpayer". I looked around for Bobby and Scott, and they looked away from me, embarrassed. Someone yelled at me and asked if I were going to a children's tea party or did my mom just dress me funny. I became incredibly self conscious of the dress I was wearing, and someone tried to flip my skirt up. I eased back further in the seat and tried to disappear. I was barely aware of when Jennifer boarded the bus, I was trying so desperately to become invisible. When we got to the first elementary school, we had to switch buses to continue on to the middle school. Now mostly the older kids were on the bus, but they were the ones being the meanest. I didn't understand it at all. I missed my friends more than ever. I thought kids in the country were supposed to be nicer than city kids. I was learning quickly that this was not always the case.
When I got to the school I was overwhelmed by how big it was. I couldn't find my homeroom and walked in nearly five minutes late, to the snickers and stares of the other kids. I noticed most of the kids were wearing jeans and trendy tops, and I felt even more silly in my little girl dress. I was smaller than everyone else, and at one point someone asked me if I got lost on the way to third grade. I heard people whispering behind me, "She's so SMALL!! Look at the way she's DRESSED! Where do you think she's from?? She's weird!"
So set the tone for my middle school experience.
As it got cold, Gran did not let me change my clothes and I had to wear the same thing over and over again to the obvious delight and disgust of my classmates. One girl came over to my desk and asked if I were poor. I said no, why? She said, "because you always wear the same thing over and over every day." I didn't know what to say to that, and I asked Gran if I could change into a different sweater the next day as mine was starting to look pretty ratty. She said no. After a while, I just kept mostly to myself.
Four months after Maureen had gone to the convent, Gran announced that she'd be coming home. I got very, very excited, and asked why? I actually didn't care why, I was so glad she'd be coming home. Gran told me to mind my own business, and that things just didn't work out. I couldn't help myself and kept asking, "Did she miss me? Was she too homesick? Didn't she have a vocation after all?" Gran finally snapped at me to go clean that filthy pigsty of a room, and make sure it was completely clean before Maureen came home. I didn't care that Gran yelled at me. I was so glad my beloved sister would be home. I'd ask her why when she got here. I couldn't WAIT to see her again!!! I danced happily into my room to clean it, and stopped short in dismay. It really was a filthy pigsty. In my grief, I had piled stuff high onto Maureen's bed. Sometimes at night I'd look over at her bed, and it looked as though Maureen were laying next to me, on her bed.
How would I possibly EVER get it clean before Maureen got home? I started off by clearing off her bed. How did I get so much stuff? Where did it all come from? I didn't think I even HAD that much junk. Most of it was clothing, mine and Maureen's. Some board games. A few piles of discarded, ignored homework papers. Books. It took forever to shovel through all of that stuff and unearth her bed.
Three days later, Gran came home with Maureen. She was quiet and withdrawn. I tried to talk to her, but Gran yelled at me to leave her alone. She wouldn't let us be alone together. I was really surprised to see her like that. I thought she'd be as happy to see me as I was to see her. I tried to get her to walk down to the creek with me, but she didn't want to. I was crushed.
She just kept saying that she wasn't cut out for a life devoted to God, and that she wasn't good enough. My sister was the most pious, best person I knew. I didn't understand it. She got to stay home until Gran got her registered at West High, and Then she rode the bus with me and our brothers. Finally I had a seat mate! We were inseparable on that bus. Then she rode a different one to high school. I was so glad to have her back. I had missed her so much. Gran was back to her nasty self, and life was normal again. Maureen was once again my sister and best friend. She took a while to get back to her old self, but she did, eventually.
I was growing tired, however, of all the endless prayers, rosaries and novenas they did. My eyes would glaze over with boredom, and I'd daydream the long hours away till it was over. I'd never in my life seen anyone pray so much, ever. I often wondered... If these nuns have so little to do with the outside world, what on earth did they have to pray so much about? And confession was just as earnestly practiced; but why? Didn't they realize that if you never went out, never had any opportunity to sin, that there'd be nothing to confess? They did paint a very alluring picture, though, and for two very young girls who had a horrible home life. It was all too easy to wish we were somewhere else, anywhere else.
I loved my sister so much; she was my rock, my hero, my savior. I couldn't even bear the thought that she'd go away forever and leave me at the mercy of Gran.
I couldn't imagine committing the rest of my life to being a nun... Never ever falling in love, getting married, having kids. It was just too foreign to me, and it seemed as though it would be an unjust God that would decide who served him and who didn't. I talked to Gran's daughter, Brigid about it. She was horrified at the thought of Maureen entering a convent at such a young age. I tried to defend her decision, and she turned and lashed out, "She didn't make the decision, MOM made it for her!!! She tried to get me to become a nun, too!" Later on, as Maureen and I were upstairs in our room, we heard Brigid yelling at Grandpa. We couldn't believe our ears. They were fighting! We crept to the banister of the stairs and listened to Bridget yell at Gramps. Telling him that they were brainwashing Maureen. Listening to Grandpa feebly try to convince her that Maureen did, in fact, have a calling. Brigid stormed out of the house, and I was very confused. Why didn't they think this was a good idea? Gran thought it was wonderful, so wonderful in fact, that I had decided that she loved Maureen best. I went downstairs and up to Grandpa and tried to give him a hug. He pushed me away, and told me we shouldn't have been listening in. I tried to tell him that we weren't, that we heard it by accident, but he told me to shut up, and I went outside with my barbie doll. Brigid was in the back yard, and I went up to talk to her. I told her that I'd been thinking about it, and I didn't ever want to be a nun. I wanted to marry Shawn Cassidy, my all time, all consuming crush, besides Joey in my class. She looked at me, and I expected her to sneer at me and make fun of me, but she smiled sadly at me and said that I had a much more realistic goal than Maureen did. She said that Maureen was much too young to make such a decision, and that she didn't think it was fair that Gran forced her into it. She said that Gran manipulated Maureen's desire to be accepted, and I had no idea what that meant, but I tried to defend Gran to her. She sighed, got up off the swing and said, "Karen, you are just too young to understand. Mom tried the same thing with me."
I was hurt by that, but muttered under my breath, "I still want to marry Shawn Cassidy... Either him or Joey. And I will." Brigid was the only one in the world besides Maureen that I told about Joey. He was in my class at school, and I'd liked him for two years, ever since the beginning of sixth grade. He never talked to me, and I heard him tell someone that he thought I was weird. But I loved him anyway, he was Italian, and really smart, and his birthday was in September. If I couldn't marry Shawn Cassidy, I surely wanted to marry Joey some day.
I started thinking about things a lot more. On our last retreat, the nuns said that becoming a nun was like marrying Jesus. Maureen would get to wear a white gown and a veil, just like a bride, after graduating from pre-postulancy to full fledged postulant. I found Gran and while looking at my Barbie's freshly braided hair, I asked her about it. "Gran, when Maureen becomes a nun, it will be like marrying Jesus, right?" She looked at me sharply and said, "Right." And I slowly twisted my Barbie dolls hair as I tried to say what had been bugging me for so long, and said, "Well, she will be 14 when she's allowed to join the Daughter's of St. Paul, right? So does that mean if she changed her mind and decided she wanted to marry just a regular boy, would you let her do it?"
Next thing I knew, I was on the floor, my face stinging from a slap. Gran stood over me and yelled at me at the top of her lungs, "HOW DARE YOU MAKE A MOCKERY OF MAUREEN'S VOCATION????? HOW DARE YOU BE SO DISRESPECTFUL??? YOU ARE A DIRTY MINDED LITTLE PIG!!!"
I started crying and she grabbed me by the arm and flung me in the direction of the stairs, telling me to go to my room and stay there to think about what I'd done. I couldn't think. I had no idea what I'd done, but I sure vowed never to speak of Maureen's vocation again. It seemed that Gran would never ever answer a question I had without getting murderously angry. Especially when it came to Maureen being a nun. I hated her, and I hated the Catholic church for taking my beloved sister away from me. Maureen was excited and happy to go. I saw this as a betrayal too. How could she want to be away from me?
That summer, we packed up everything we could, and moved to our little house in Lindley, New York. I would so miss my friends, and my heart broke over the thought that I'd never see Joey again. My seventh grade teacher had sat me next to him the last three months of school, and he really seemed to like me, at least he talked to me a lot. We'd tease each other, and giggle behind our books, and I thought that if I stayed in Staten Island, we'd surely get married some day. But now I'd live six hours away, in a tiny old house that smelled of mouse urine, and had ugly bathrooms. We'd be an hour away from school, and have to ride a bus. No more walking to school. No more friends. No more sister.
Later that summer, near the beginning of the new school year, Gran, Maureen and I took a trip to Boston, MA, to enroll Maureen in her new convent. Maureen was only 14 years old, and I was 13. I wanted to cry the entire time I was there, but didn't dare because I worried that Gran might slap me for it. Maureen was very nervous, but seemed happy about her decision. I promised to write to her every week and made her promise to write to me too.
On the way home, on the greyhound bus, I couldn't hold my sadness in any longer. I had a horrible, homesick feeling in my gut, and couldn't imagine what life would be like without my sister at home. I cried on the way home, for the entire six hours it took to get there. Gran left me alone, and I think she started to feel some sort of compassion for me, because when the bus stopped for one of it's breaks, she said, "Come on, Karen, lets find somewhere to eat!" I couldn't believe her tone. I looked miserably up at her, and she was actually smiling at me. I expected to get yelled at for crying so much. I wiped my face and followed her off the bus.
We went to a nearby diner, and she let me order whatever I wanted, and then said I could have soda! We chatted while we ate, and I thought, if she stays this nice, maybe it won't be so bad!
We finally made it home, and the boys were all jealous that I got to eat in a restaurant, and go with Gran to Boston. I stuck my tongue out at them, and told them that at least they got to stay up late with Gramps, and besides, that summer, they got to go to a Yankees game when I wanted to but couldn't. So we were even. Besides, they had no idea how horrible I was feeling, not having Maureen around anymore. They didn't even seem to care. They were just glad they'd get more attention for themselves, it seemed.
I went into Maureen's and my room, and looked around. This was just my room now. I'd have my own room for the first time in my life. It didn't make me happy, I would have given anything to have Maureen back there with me.
It seemed that Gran's goodwill stayed a bit longer... She started letting me stay up a little later, till 8:30. Sometimes she'd let me have tea with her and Grandpa. We started talking a bit more. She didn't seem so mean all the time. Her dream of having a daughter become a nun seemed to put her in a very good mood indeed. I started getting used to not having Maureen around to talk to, but started writing in my diary a lot more, and immersing myself in more and more books. The two boys that lived down the road from us would come over, and I spent the rest of my summer playing hard, climbing trees, swimming in the creek, exploring the property with Bobby and Scott, and just trying to forget how lonesome I felt without my sister. Anytime anyone would ask where she was, I'd tell them that she was in boarding school. Only my next door neighbor and best friend Jennifer knew where Maureen was, and judging by her reaction, I decided to just keep it to myself. No one could ever understand it. We were freaks. There was no use trying to hide it. Everyone knew it anyway, especially me.
The first day of school arrived, and for the first time in my life, I'd be riding a bus to school. I'd be going to Painted Post Middle School, for 8th grade. I was terrified, excited, and just wanted the first day over with. From taking classes all day in one room, to going to a school where I'd have to go to homeroom first, and switch out classes all day, this would be completely different from what I was used to. I was also secretly glad, now was my chance to make a good first impression and make some new friends. Gran laid out a dress for me to wear, said that a dress would be the appropriate first day attire. Having worn a catholic school uniform my entire life up till that point, I knew nothing of fashion whatsoever, always wearing what Gran gave me to wear.
We went down the long driveway to wait for the bus. It took forever to get there, and I worried that maybe we missed it. Finally a huge yellow bus came lumbering up the street and stopped in front of us. My brothers and I boarded the bus and the bus driver barked at us to take a seat. I looked around at all the unfamiliar and frankly, unfriendly faces and wondered if anyone would let me sit down. Lots of scowls led me to believe this would not be an easy task. I found an empty seat and sat down. Someone promptly popped trier head over and told me that the seat was saved for someone else. I scuttled out of the seat and into another empty one as the bus driver yelled at me to sit down. Someone else told me that the seat was saved, and lots of laughing ensued. I turned around and looked at the boy, and said, "my parents pay school taxes too, and I guess I'll sit wherever I please!"
From that moment on, I was known as "taxpayer". I looked around for Bobby and Scott, and they looked away from me, embarrassed. Someone yelled at me and asked if I were going to a children's tea party or did my mom just dress me funny. I became incredibly self conscious of the dress I was wearing, and someone tried to flip my skirt up. I eased back further in the seat and tried to disappear. I was barely aware of when Jennifer boarded the bus, I was trying so desperately to become invisible. When we got to the first elementary school, we had to switch buses to continue on to the middle school. Now mostly the older kids were on the bus, but they were the ones being the meanest. I didn't understand it at all. I missed my friends more than ever. I thought kids in the country were supposed to be nicer than city kids. I was learning quickly that this was not always the case.
When I got to the school I was overwhelmed by how big it was. I couldn't find my homeroom and walked in nearly five minutes late, to the snickers and stares of the other kids. I noticed most of the kids were wearing jeans and trendy tops, and I felt even more silly in my little girl dress. I was smaller than everyone else, and at one point someone asked me if I got lost on the way to third grade. I heard people whispering behind me, "She's so SMALL!! Look at the way she's DRESSED! Where do you think she's from?? She's weird!"
So set the tone for my middle school experience.
As it got cold, Gran did not let me change my clothes and I had to wear the same thing over and over again to the obvious delight and disgust of my classmates. One girl came over to my desk and asked if I were poor. I said no, why? She said, "because you always wear the same thing over and over every day." I didn't know what to say to that, and I asked Gran if I could change into a different sweater the next day as mine was starting to look pretty ratty. She said no. After a while, I just kept mostly to myself.
Four months after Maureen had gone to the convent, Gran announced that she'd be coming home. I got very, very excited, and asked why? I actually didn't care why, I was so glad she'd be coming home. Gran told me to mind my own business, and that things just didn't work out. I couldn't help myself and kept asking, "Did she miss me? Was she too homesick? Didn't she have a vocation after all?" Gran finally snapped at me to go clean that filthy pigsty of a room, and make sure it was completely clean before Maureen came home. I didn't care that Gran yelled at me. I was so glad my beloved sister would be home. I'd ask her why when she got here. I couldn't WAIT to see her again!!! I danced happily into my room to clean it, and stopped short in dismay. It really was a filthy pigsty. In my grief, I had piled stuff high onto Maureen's bed. Sometimes at night I'd look over at her bed, and it looked as though Maureen were laying next to me, on her bed.
How would I possibly EVER get it clean before Maureen got home? I started off by clearing off her bed. How did I get so much stuff? Where did it all come from? I didn't think I even HAD that much junk. Most of it was clothing, mine and Maureen's. Some board games. A few piles of discarded, ignored homework papers. Books. It took forever to shovel through all of that stuff and unearth her bed.
Three days later, Gran came home with Maureen. She was quiet and withdrawn. I tried to talk to her, but Gran yelled at me to leave her alone. She wouldn't let us be alone together. I was really surprised to see her like that. I thought she'd be as happy to see me as I was to see her. I tried to get her to walk down to the creek with me, but she didn't want to. I was crushed.
She just kept saying that she wasn't cut out for a life devoted to God, and that she wasn't good enough. My sister was the most pious, best person I knew. I didn't understand it. She got to stay home until Gran got her registered at West High, and Then she rode the bus with me and our brothers. Finally I had a seat mate! We were inseparable on that bus. Then she rode a different one to high school. I was so glad to have her back. I had missed her so much. Gran was back to her nasty self, and life was normal again. Maureen was once again my sister and best friend. She took a while to get back to her old self, but she did, eventually.
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