Repost from Pitfalls of life

I had written this back in February, on my other blog, The pitfalls of Life, and thought it was more appropriate to put on this blog.

So lately I have been doing a LOT of soul searching, and introspection.

I often do this when I have gone through a particularly rough period in my life, and in the travels in my head I have started a blog that tells the story of my life as a child, from age 3, on up.

This blog is written from my perspective as a child, but the memories are crystal clear. I do not embellish, everything is precisely as I remember it. The only deviations may be that certain things did not happen in the correct time line. As they are my personal memoirs, however, I am willing to forgive myself that small transgression, even though at times I am an insufferable perfectionist.

So there will be several "random side notes" in this blog, as things come to my memory. For years and years, I remembered certain things with bitterness, and anguish. Time has softened my perspective, and I see my life now as a challenge that I gracefully overcame. No, I am not wildly successful and rich by society's standards, but I am grateful for the successes I have had. There have been many.

My path has never been an easy one; from the start there were horrific obstacles to overcome, at a very young age. Going into young adulthood, the scars of very painful obstacles carved out a difficult path for me. I made horrible choices, but lived with those choices as I only had myself to answer to. I made a good thing of my choices, and the bitterness slowly faded away.

The bitterness has been replaced with joy so often that I have to ask myself... How is it that I continue to see my past as painful? That makes no sense. In writing all of these memories, I am purging myself of that bitterness, slowly but surely. It is better than any therapy I have tried thus far. Interspersed with writing, I am also having dreams, not fearful and dark dreams as I have always had, but good life lessons that I can draw strength from. I no longer see Gran as an object of fear from my past. I no longer feel inadequate as I did for decades, compared to everyone else in that family. I no longer despise my ex husband, as I did for years. I was not forced to marry him. I was not forced to stay with him after that first violent encounter. Every emotion, every reaction, and every perspective is a choice that we make. I do not always choose wisely. But I always reconcile the choices that I have made, and if I cant change them, I find a way to live with them. I overcame much in my life, and I am very very proud of that. I did it without succumbing to drugs or alcohol. I did it without using anyone. I did it on my own.

I have taught my amazing girls that yes, you have it within you to change a bad situation and make it good for yourself, as no one can do that for you. I have taught them that nothing gives them a better start than a decent education. If nothing else, it gives you a fair shot in life. Education does not make you smart. It does, however, supply a person with the information and data to make informed decisions throughout your life. It also supplies a person with a piece of paper that enables them to get a decent job with a decent salary. Money has never been the most important thing in my life, but in this day and age, one must have a certain amount of it in order to make it through. I do not possess that piece of paper, but someday I will. That is one of my goals. Not for money. Not for information or data, as I have educated myself quite sufficiently. But to say I did it. I have always wanted to do it, never followed through on it, and now I want to follow through and accomplish it. For me.

So, facing the world with yet another, fresher, happier perspective, alone but not alone, I have come into contact with some extraordinary people from that far away, long ago place I once knew. I am very glad of this; I have lived many years struggling alone. It is time now to let someone in.